Missing last summer, just a little

Drowning in all the work right now and I just miss last summer a little so damn badly. This feeling gets so bad especially when I’m listening to the Glorious Ruins album at 2am trying to rush my work. Drowning so badly in all of these and deadlines just never seem to end. It just doesn’t seem enough no matter how hard you study or how hard you try. The grades just don’t seem to show and even though you’re not failing you’re just so sick of mediocrity.

Why is it that I can’t seem to get a B+ or more. Why is it that every report I write reeks of mediocrity even though I can’t seem to find a better way around it. Why is it that some people just seem to be able to finish all their readings + process everything + churn out top grade answers and understand things so much better and so much faster?

why is it so damn bloody hard.

I don’t want to complain, and I’m irritated at having the need to complain but sigh ):  I realize that besides meal times with friends or running/gymming, my whole life consists of just studying, assignments, readings and even more readings.

I can’t exactly explain it. I’m crazily grateful for where I am, and the people I have. The friends around me who never fail to make me laugh like an idiot. But when I find myself rushing work in the middle of the night, unsure of whether it’ll pay off or not, and wondering if carefree times like last summer will ever come back, I just feel myself choking from all the things that are threatening to overwhelm me at any moment.

Perhaps what I miss most about summer isn’t the fun, the joy, or the friends. It’s the feeling of being carefree, something that I’ve always treasured. I knew I’d gotten into law school, I didn’t have anything to worry about, I didn’t have to worry about the hours that passed, I just had to soak in whatever I had around me.

Will I ever get such times back again? Or will it simply be three years of hardwork before being thrown into the commercial world? I’m not willing to let go of my youth just like this. I’m reluctant, extremely resistant. I’m trying hard to hold on, to hold on to the carefree part of myself. But I just don’t seem able to do so.

Press on mag, press on.

Till then, I shall just reminisce on last summer.

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This was a small board we had in the middle of the apartment we rented in sydney. haha. the girls slept on the right of the apartment while the guys slept on the left. hence the childish scribbles.

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This was us getting hot chocolate (which wasn’t great and was overpriced ’cause it was right outside the arena) after the conference because it was so cold and we just felt like we were going to freeze.

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This was one of the first meals we cooked for ourselves I think! minus beatrice who was taking the picture for us. So grateful for these bunch of friends I travelled with. They were people who loved and accommodated me, and allowed me to be the kid amongst them.

Okay. I’m done with the self-pitying. It’s 2am and I’ve an 8.15 class tomorrow (and I stay in ulu land) and I’ve yet to prepare for tmr’s class AND tmr’s quiz.

Give me strength, Lord. Strength to do your will. To do you proud. To be a good steward of whatever you’ve given me.

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