week 13

IMAG0198_1The past few weeks seemed crazily stressful. Still hanging on and I’m just trying to remind myself that summer is but 19 days away. But with that temporal sense of relish comes the realization that finals is just in about two weeks’ time. Technically we’ll only have about a week to study the entire sem’s work, ’cause we still have other deadlines to meet and our moot to prepare for.

Its frightening, how quickly time pasts. Its frightening, how every assignment locks in a certain proportion of your grades. I submitted my third and last LRW assignment this afternoon, and it has been by far the most agonizing one to complete. My submissions didn’t link but I had no other choice than to push them through.

I’ve been staying up till past 3 or 4am agonizing over this appellate brief. It wasn’t that I was being extremely productive. I’d gotten my content up earlier this week. But it just didn’t make sense. Law school has made me realise how tough it is to put what you wish to say in clear, concise and coherent terms AND within the word limit. I’ve been agonizing over how to better write it, over trying to convince myself that my hypothetical client wasn’t mad, trying to re-edit over and over again but it still looks like crap. Perhaps I strive for perfection and it isn’t quite possible to ever be completely pleased with a piece of written work. But I absolutely hate the feeling of how the best is just never going to be enough.

Or perhaps, I’ve just been feeling very very discouraged over the mediocre grades I’ve been getting. Sure, it isn’t the worst. There definitely are people doing worse than you are; but does it make things any better? ¬†And I ask myself, if I’m really cut out for this. I’m not one who’s crazy over grades, but it just seems so hard to pull up your GPA.

Rushed to proof-read, compile and re-structure the BGS group report after class. It was due 12am and editing a 3k essay (my friend and I took half each to edit) was much harder than I expected. Perhaps I’m used to my sentences being structured in a particular sense grammatically. Or perhaps I’m used to making sure reports sound like anything but a spoken speech. My eyes felt fried after staring at the screen for three hours straight. Formatting took forever and we barely made the deadline.

Ran to cityhall to catch my last train. Was stuck in school doing the report ’cause it takes over an hour to get home and it’d be too late to rush the report by the time I did. It was the fastest I’ve ran in a long while.

I just really really wish to escape from everything and hide in a comfy cave. But there’s moot this thursday that I’m just too tired to prepare for. Its crazy, how 50% of your grades for one mod is going to be locked in within a week. And how you can’t really take a break after this long string of deadlines because finals are coming up.

I seldom feel this way. I don’t know why either. Perhaps its because like many others, I’m just so tired after a good 12 weeks of school. Each and every week (with the exception of one or two) has never failed to be tiring, and profs just seem to expect more than we can ever give at times.

Three more weeks, Three more weeks and the sem will be over. It’ll be summer where we can frolic under the sun. But it also means three weeks more in a last ditch attempt to pull up your grades. And that’s scary.

For the first time ever, I spent the full weekend totally at home. Yup, I didn’t set one foot out of the house at all. I was just so burdened by everything I skipped dance and even church. I just felt like shit every morning when I woke up; I was just so thankful that coincidentally I had planned for one of my youths to peer lead bible study last week. Not that the sense of irresponsibility hit me any less harder than it did. But I just wasn’t in the state to do anything except stay at home, agonize over my appellate brief, be unproductive yet not knowing what to do, staying up till 3 or 4 trying to figure out why my brief just looked like crap, and just not letting go of myself.

I guess it didn’t help that friends whom I hung out with started acting differently. Somehow people just started to feel a little distant. I don’t know why either. But I decided that I really don’t have the capacity to deal with these right now so I’ll just find a nice little corner in the library where I can just hide myself and study/ do work.

Thanks for reading through this very very long rant. I’m just super drained from school but give me a day or two after moots on thursday and I’ll piece myself back together again.

Trusting, Hoping, Believing and Fighting.

Summer’s just round the corner (: I can almost see it.



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