Relief, and Relieved of

Submitted the last of three research papers today.

Spent four hours staring at the screen for last edits and footnotes – oh mag, when will you ever learn to footnote properly as you write so as to spare yourself the agony.

Skipped merrily to the office to submit my papers – one hour in advance

One hour to spare, headed to the gym for a much needed work out.

Sweat, exertion, my foam roller and the mat. I’ve missed them for a good 11 weeks. Cardio always seemed the more convenient option.

Couldn’t find the strength within me anymore – your body’s always honest.

Legs were shaking as I walked to the showers. I wasn’t quite prepared for this. I was dreading something in the evening. That’s why my workout went so well. There was something the dread could be channeled into.

Rushed to a dance costume shop in an attempt to order some costumes; it was a futile trip.

Hungry. Barely ate anything for lunch.

Met someone, let go of someone, and I wondered if I had let go of a little of myself too. He said hope was the worst thing you could ever give anyone. I think it’s the worst thing you can ever give yourself too.

Try as you might, the jigsaw pieces just wouldn’t fix. You thought you’d found the right ones this time, but time and again you’ve been proven wrong. The pieces weren’t at fault. The manufacturer made no error either. They were just not meant to be. They were better on their own. They were meant for different puzzles all together.

Yet you couldn’t help but give yourself the chance to try. One last time.

But oh, as much as you wish to fool yourself, your heart just never fools your mind.

It’s time to return the puzzles to their respective boxes. They might resent you for not doing so any earlier. and hey, they’re right. You shouldn’t have… You shouldn’t have.

Did some math to set my mind back to where it should be – on the seat where logic kept its watch.

Re-did my nails with that dark metallic purple I so loved. But it was ugly. And terribly messy.

Reflective of what should be reflected.

But the jigsaw pieces aren’t broken. They’re still whole. And I’d like to think that they’ll find their own puzzle one day. One that they truly fit into.


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